Time has been kind to me. So has my faith. The two in concert with one another have helped me to get to this new normal. In a packet sent home from the hospital with us there was a pamphlet for grandparents and it it it said, "parents can grieve deeply for 2 years after the loss of a child." While I believe you cannot put a time frame on grieving, you may as well have locked me in the loony bin if I were to grieve deeply for two years. That was a really dark place and I'm glad to have exited it's doors shortly after the last post I made. I did my time and I do not believe I am "grieving deeply" anymore. Rather I have moved on to a more emotionally stable place. It still hurts, of course, it likely always will. And there will be dark days, of course, but folks - I'm no longer there. I'm somewhere new.
Here's a little more clarification on some previous posts (I figure if close friends have asked me these questions then others are likely wondering as well):
The choice not to try and keep the boys alive: I am sure people are wondering if Aaron and I ever regret the decision to not intervene and keep the boys alive. Sure, we think about it. We wonder. We always will. How could we not try to save them, if there was even a 1% chance shouldn't we have done everything possible for our children? If you dare to venture out to the world of child loss you'll discover what happened to us is not rare. I found other parents who lost all three of their triplet babies. Some delivered at 23 weeks, some at 24, some at 25. All of them intervened and while their babies lived a month or two or three in the NICU, ultimately they all died. Call it a mother's instinct but I know they would not have made it. I also truly believe if they were born at 26 weeks they all would have been fine. If we were even a week further along our decision would have been different. We could have had more time with them, but if the outcome were the same in the end, I wouldn't have wanted to see them suffer and build up false hope. We were in the perfect place to have tried. We have 100% coverage and wouldn't have paid a dime for their 3 million dollar NICU bill. It was not a factor at all, thank God. Our decision was the right one for us and we are still at peace with our choice. I give the credit to my husband on that one because I was not exactly in the best place to be making a decision like that at 2am while on a narcotic drip and using a bed pan.
Will they put me on best rest if I get pregnant again? No, and I shouldn't have been on it with the boys either. Best rest is to take pressure/weight off the cervix. I do not have cervical issues, which is why I was in a great position to have triplets and be able to carry that weight.
If an infection could cause a leak then shouldn't you have been on antibiotics? Well, that sounds like an easy fix but it's not. First, it would be extremely difficult to determine what bacteria to give antibiotics for, thus taking the chance of actually making things worse by killing the good bacteria. And two, the amniotic sac is not vascular so it is extremely difficult for the antibiotics to get there and be effective. Who knows if it was caused by an infection after all. There is a chance that my violent vomiting the previous week was too much pressure and could have created a leak. I'll never know.
If not an infection, what else causes premature rupture of membranes? After more research I have discovered this is a really tricky complication. Research has proven there may be a genetic link (which could explain why my sister delivered her girls early because of the same thing and why it happened with John). There is not a gene that says "you're going to experience PPROM," but research is showing that genetic variants relating to the inflammatory response may play a role in premature rupture and also genes relating to the cellular matrix of the sac itself (remember tinsel strength from high school physics?) may contribute. So, I could have a bacteria that does not bother most people, but my inflammatory response to it weakens the sac. Or, the amniotic sac around the baby that my body builds is not strong enough and thus can thin and spring a leak. Either way, there's not much I can do about it. Nor is there anyway of preventing those problems from being an issue with future pregnancies.
Will we try again? Of course, we do not want John to be our only child. If he is, great. But we are lucky to not have to deal with loss after years of infertility or pricey procedures. I really feel badly for parents who go through this and then have to face the challenge of getting pregnant again. Our doctor told us to ideally wait at least 9 months, although there isn't that much difference between waiting 6 and 9 months. Will we ever be emotionally ready? Not really, but we'll know when the time is right. I need to get my house painted first and lose this weight.
Am I going back to work? No. I was told to stop working at 20 weeks and I gave up my business with the last listing transferring the day of the funeral. I really don't have "work" to go back to. I still have some properties I manage but I will not be working with buyers or sellers anymore. I need to get through this child bearing era and then I will decide what to do with myself. I have never not worked, nor do I intend to stay not working, but for now it's the best choice for me and for our family. I have about five years worth of neglected projects to deal with and a husband with a crazy schedule. I'm happy with our new pace and the time I have for myself to heal emotionally and physically.
Does having John make this easier? Yes and no, depends on how I look at it. Seeing him makes me realize what we are missing. Watching him grow bigger makes me realize his brothers are not here. But, how can I discount the joy and fortune of having him. Even if he's the only child we have, we still have one and to many people that would be a dream come true.
Hopefully that answers a few more questions or clarifies a few logistics. I'm going to keep posting, hopefully more frequently. There are a few topics I'm ready to tackle now.
