I've tried writing this post a few times but for some reason don't have the belly fire right now for all the details. The bottom line is we were in an ideal situation - strong cervix, three separate sacs, three separate placentas, and healthy babies. My membranes (likely the sac around Charlie, the one closest to the cervix) had a tiny leak and that leak started the process of labor.
There is no explanation as to why my membranes started to leak. Pathology on the placenta revealed nothing. We talked to our doctor for over two hours last week on the "what if this and what about that's," and there is really nothing they can do; nothing they can do to prevent it, nothing they can do to predict it and nothing they can do to stop labor once it happens.
While the appointment was calming (no blame, nothing that could have been done differently), it was also confirmation that if we get pregnant again we could be in the same situation with no options for a better outcome. We are blessed to have a fantastic doctor (that is an understatement) and will likely continue our journey in his care.
Aside from our appointment, I'm very frustrated. I was hoping time would make this easier and instead it gets harder. I think it hit me when our doctor said, "this is one of the most difficult things you will ever face in life." He has the right to say that, he has been walking in our shoes for 25 years. I'm not sure there is anything that makes this any better. Eventually time, yes, but not now. Sometimes I go outside at the hottest times of the day to see if I can bake out the hurt, sweat it out or somehow fry it up. As the weather cooled today I realized this winter will likely be a tough one.
Dear Muellers -
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly sorry about the loss of your beautiful baby boys. I imagine those words sound so superficial compared to the depth of your pain. I so enjoyed working with you family and will pray for your hearts to find peace someday.
Christina Ross (John's former pediatrician)
rosschristina@me.com
One of the most difficult things anyone must do after a severe loss or trauma is learn to live in the real world just like everyone else...even though you're not like everyone else, and you never will be again.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I ever received was from a young woman who'd lost her husband on 9/11. She was pregnant and raising young children alone with incredible courage and grace.
I was coping with my own tragedy at the time and asked her how she did it... how did she get up in the morning?...where did her courage and grace come from? She said simply..."I learned not to lead with my injuries"
Sounds easy enough and not especially revelatory...I asked her to clarify.
She then proceeded to tell me that when she stopped living as her husband's 35 year old bitter and grieving widow and began living as a woman blessed and honored to be loved by such a wonderful man, she was able to baby step her way back to her sanity. She still limped, but it wasn't always noticable.
I, too, taught myself to baby step and I try not to lead with my injuries-it really is harder than it sounds.
While I still fall on occasion and probably always limp, I get up in the morning. I breath in and breath out and I pretty much live in the real world again...and it's good...life is good.
You are doing everything you need to do right now, and I think that you, like that brave young widow, will weather your horrific storm. julia