I wish I had more to write. I don't. I feel as though I just woke up from a bad dream. Not just the last week but the last six months. It seems unreal. It's starting to become a blur. I'm a bit numb.
Part of me feels guilty for not feeling worse. I know we'll be okay. I know it will be rough for a while but I don't have this feeling we're headed for a big black hole we can't get out of. Maybe the strength I feel is from the boys. I know they would not want me to hurt so deeply that I could not continue living fully.
Aaron certainly feels more angry than I do. Nothing that happened is logical. He feels as though we were the butt of a cosmic joke. Why would everything that happened in the last six months end like this? Why would we be given a shot at triplets? We weren't trying to play God and didn't ask to carry so many babies. Why would everything in the pregnancy progress so well? If these babies weren't going to make it why couldn't it have been at 12 weeks and not 4 days before they were considered "viable"? Why would I go from being in the best shape of my life to a 4,0000 calorie diet and sedentary, to be left when it's all done with twenty some pounds of baby weight and no babies to show for it? Why take the beauty and miracle of birth and make it my most horrifying life experience? Why the magnitude of losing all three? Why let this happen with no explanation and nobody blame?
There are no answers. We all have a cross to bear. We all have a story to tell. There will always be things in this life we cannot explain or justify, events and circumstances that do not make sense and make us feel like life is short changing us. That's just the way it is. Sometimes life is just not fair.
Kellie and Aaron,
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine sent me this quote once and I would like to share it with you. I hope it helps bring you peace in this difficult time.
“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” --Rainer Maria Rilke
Love,
Amanda
Aaron & Kellie:
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that I am continuing to lift you guys in prayer to our Heavenly Father. As I read this entry in your blog, I had flashbacks to almost four years ago. As I have absolutely no idea how it feels to loss a child, I do know how it feels to have your life turned upside-down and question every aspect of the situation and demand answers to those questions. Many of those questions that you asked reminded me of my emotions when we lost mom.
I want you to know that God has used that situation to grow my faith endlessly. I can look back and see where I was four years ago compared to where I am now. The relationship that I have with God, my son, my dad and brothers is totally different now. The following verses may be hard to read, but I believe that I'm supposed to share them with you.
James 1: 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
...and...
Romans 5: 3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I pray that God will continue to send His healing power to the both of you. This will be a journey that you will look back on and smile. I love you both and God bless.
Always,
Lisa M. Shrum